


We Are Children of Dust and Ashes

by ricecakes (Animarto)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Historical AU I guess, What am I doing, actually please read this please, angst man, i love that freaking musical, i should be studying, idek, inspired by gc, mingyu kinda appears if you squint at the details, the great comet of 1812 musical, this is a mistake, this is bad and you should not read this, what is this, what is this mess, you'll see why - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 17:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12709548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animarto/pseuds/ricecakes
Summary: "More than the pain in his gut was the pain in his heart, crying out, wishing for one last look at the sky above, desperate for just one last moment with that certain someone back home--' I love you' "





	We Are Children of Dust and Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> i should have been working on 6 different projects and studying for the exam tomorrow but I wanted to write this so guess what happened.
> 
>  
> 
> i regret nothing (actually yes i do but at this point nothing matters)
> 
> Anyways this is rushed and most likely really bad I just wanted to get out my soonhoon feels. Please enjoy this angst.

Soonyoung lived and breathed the the dusty terrain of battlefields, upon the charred lands of war. He’d known the scent of blood practically since birth and could see the glint of a sword from afar, all with due credit to the fact that his father was a general.

Whenever he was in a daze, he often found himself wandering to those red-tinted memories, found that he could almost feel a blade against his skin or hear piercing cries at his ears.

But just as often, his mind wandered to Jihoon, and the view of flowers and trees from the windows of Jihoon’s palace residence.

Soonyoung had spent every waking moment of his childhood between either following his father to battle or within the palace walls, where he would talk to Jihoon for hours on end and play with the other boy’s hair, and wander together into the palace gardens and sneak pastries and sweets from the kitchens.

Jihoon was quiet and small. He smelled faintly like grass, and strongly of medicine. He got angry easily, but could be placated just as easily if only you knew how. (Soonyoung could go on and on about the younger boy)

And, most delightfully, Jihoon could sing like no other. His voice was gentle, emotional, and if Soonyoung could close his eyes and just listen to the boy’s voice forever, he would.

It was these images of sunlight shining in Jihoon’s eyes, accented with birdsong, that Soonyoung held closest to his heart. Memories he’d never forget.

 

\---

Jihoon was confined to the palace.

It was a miracle that he survived birth, but he grew up weak-bodied and would suffered heart pains from strenuous activities. His mother Lady Ahn gwiin was one of the favorites of the King though, and she made sure he was treated as any other prince of his rank.

However, Jihoon was still bound within the walls, and was denied to participate in travels and huntings. And he felt so, so disconnected from his family.

But he wasn't lonely, so it’s alright, Jihoon thought.

It was alright because Jihoon could hear his name being shouted from the other side of the courtyard, could make out the shape of Kwon Soonyoung racing down the path and soon enough, could feel the other boy’s hand on his arm and see his face.

Kwon Soonyoung with sweat on his brows, hand warm on Jihoon’s arm, and very very bright.

Perhaps, Jihoon considered with a laugh, "bright" not in the intelligent sort of way, although the boy was quite clever. "Bright" in a literal way.

He shone with a bright radiance which made Jihoon want to simultaneously shy away from and also never want to look away.

 

\- - -

“Jihoonie,” Soonyoung once said when they were fourteen, sitting together on the floor of Jihoon’s room. The younger made a noise of acknowledgement and continued to eat the tteok his mother had sent the handmaids to bring them.

Soonyoung carefully swallowed his snack, and looked at Jihoon with an unreadable look on his face. “Jihoon-ah, do you have anywhere you would like to see outside of the palace?”

Pausing, Jihoon glared half-heartedly at his friend. “Yah, you know I’ve never been outside before, how should I know where I’d like to go?”

Soonyoung laughed apologetically. “Well if you don’t have a specific place you’d like to see, maybe you wouldn’t mind if I could one day take you somewhere? But it would have to be a really pretty place if I bring you all the way out of the palace to go,”

Jihoon could feel his heart swell at the words, and it ached with love, the ache was not the painful kind.

It was not as if he particularly longed to go outside, but something about the thought of seeing the world with Soonyong made him a bit excited, a bit happy.

 

Soonyoung continued to muse for a while, muttering about this and that, lost in thought. But he broke his own trance with a sigh.

“Jihoon, I don’t have a clue where I could take you right now, but if ever you know you want to go somewhere you gotta tell me immediately.”

“Why the hurry?”

“... I- well Jihoon-ah, one day I’ll become a general like my father, and then I won’t be able to be at the capital most of the time, and then I will have to fight fiercer wars so I-” his words were abruptly cut by Jihoon.

“Stop, please. Please,” his voice came out with a desperate edge. “Don’t say it like that…”

Jihoon had curled into himself, and the older’s eyes softened. Slowly, Soonyoung brought his arms up and engulfed the younger one in a strong, warm embrace. (Jihoon rested his forehead onto Soonyoung’s shoulder, so that he could hide the flush on his cheeks)

“Don’t say it like that again, don’t say it like y-you’ll,” die. They both knew what he could not bring himself to say outloud.

So Soonyoung tightened his hold on Jihoon, and never brought the topic up again.

 

\- - -

When nineteen year old Jihoon was handed a letter addressed to him in the familiar scrawl of his friend (friend, friend, friend) he didn’t open it immediately.

It was night, he didn’t catch the name of the messenger handing him the envelope, a tall boy whose eyes quivered with something like tears in the candlelight.

It was night and it was late, and Jihoon was going to read this letter and then sleep. Simple.

But something.

Something. Something was holding him back, the same something that made the letter feel heavy in his hands, the same something that seemed to snake around his ribcage and dig at his heart.

No. He won’t read this. Whatever was written can wait.

He placed the letter on the table beside his bed, and threw his covers over himself. And he tried. So hard to sleep, to toss and turn and sleep but he couldn’t. His heart was palpitating and it hurt so much and he couldn’t sleep.

“Jihoonie,” he could almost hear, “please don’t make me wait,”

So he lit the candle again, and took up the letter in trembling hands.

Five weeks ago, Soonyoung had left the capital on horseback, with some ten thousand soldiers behind him. Jihoon found himself climbing all the way up the stairs to the top of the walls to see him off.

The past few weeks, Jihoon had somewhat consistently been receiving letters from Soonyoung, three letters in total.

 

Now this.

He slowly turned the envelope over, and pried it open.

 

And forced himself to read each and every word, to ignore the crinkled bits of parchment where tears must have fallen while the writer of the letter attempted to put words to paper. Because focusing on those tear-stained words made it hurt so much worse.

Jihoon clutched breathlessly at his chest, where his heartbeat pulsed erratically with sorrow and sobs shook his entire body. The words on the letter blurred into illegible splotches of ink and horribly, horribly, he wished that his frail, tired heart would just stop struggling and give out.

Because it fucking hurt.

 

\- - -

It fucking hurt.

Hell. Fucking hell it hurt.

Soonyoung blearily forced his eyes open. There was the eerie silence that followed each and every bloodbath without fail. It was the kind of quiet that made the hair on your arms stand up and hung heavily in the air.

Usually, he’d take a moment to drown himself in this stillness, let his eyes roam around to observe the ruined wreck of bodies and blades, and torn pieces of flags and armours.

But right now the pain was too overpowering.

Fuck.

 

He was lying face down on the ground, and there was a wound in his abdomen and an arrow at his shoulder. His arm felt like lead, but he had to move it, so he dragged his hand slowly to his stomach to put pressure against the seeping blood.

Perhaps.

More than the pain in his gut was the pain in his heart, crying out, wishing for one last look at the sky above, desperate for just one last moment with that certain someone back home, to bring his leaden hand up to run through Jihoon’s hair and tell him “I love you”.

But it hurt and he’s so, so far away from home and the chill of death was settling.

Please, not just yet.

 

And maybe he was hallucinating, but a wind picked up and carried with it the whisper of a birdsong and a soft singing voice.

It was gentle, emotional, and if Soonyoung could close his eyes and just listen to that voice forever, he would. (and almost regretfully, he realized that he now could)

It was Jihoon that Soonyoung held closest to his heart, that he’d never forget.

 

 

-

-

-

_Jihoon,_

_Perhaps you will never get this letter, and that would be best. But as it is, I’ll speak as if you do receive this letter. And I don’t know how to start._

_I_ _think, I’d like to apologize first._

_Sorry for dragging you around when we were younger, when I didn’t have a clue and you’d often end up out of breath and pained. Yet you never blamed me for not understanding your condition, and for that I’m glad you were able to forgive me._

_I’m glad you let me be your friend because if we hadn’t become friends, I think my life would not have been nearly as colorful nor as happy._

_You made me happy Jihoon-ah._

 

_Ah. I tried so hard to make this letter organized and nice but all I can feel is fear and it feels like my throat is closing up from it._

_Jihoonie I don’t know what to do. When you read this I would be dead and where would I be? Did I properly say goodbye to you and everyone before I did or didn’t I? Do I have regrets?_

_I don’t know anything and I’m so scared of that. Nothing is certain._

_Jihoon-ah, I’m so sorry that I never got to take you outside the palace and out of the capital, and travel with you because I really truly wanted to. Not just for you, but for me too. I would have loved to._

_And now I can’t, but promise me that you will still try to go. Wherever you want to go, Jihoonie, and I will promise that I will be there too._

 

_I swear I had this thought out when I first thought to write this letter, you know, that I’d just put down all the things I wanted to say to you if I couldn’t in person._

_Nice and easy._

_But it isn’t like that at all and now I have to wait for my eyes to stop watering because it hurts so much to imagine you read this._

_Am I sad for you or scared for myself? I am such a coward._

 

_But if nothing else makes sense and this letter is just rubbish, I want you to know just one thing._

_There was nothing in this world I wanted to say more than this, yet I never did and now I can cry in my grave over it or something, I suppose I deserve any punishment._

 

_People always used to say that we live in darkness until we fall in love. So for all my life, I’ve been searching for some kind of light. But I think in the end we always overlook those we have at hand until we separate and just_

_J_ _ihoon-ah, I think I may not be afraid of death anymore. I think I’ve finally lived without regrets because while there are people who may live their entire lives in darkness_

_I’ve seen the light a long time ago._

**Author's Note:**

> so this is the badly written soonhoon
> 
> inspired by my love for historical aus, battles, and an undying love for "the great comet of 1812" and all its songs (if anyone can guess the little change i made to some of the gc lyrics please comment and scream with me)


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